he same number of words. The outcome is below, while:
(i) In my opinion, it is at least as clear as its original version;
(ii) No image is missed, replaced or displaced;
(iii) No expansion, or non-trivial paraphrasing;
(iv) The word-count gives:
Number of words in Persian: 109
And adjusting for prepositions: + 120
(See the Note below)
Number of words in English: 123
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Ahmad Shamlou: (The Raven, 1975)
I am thinking of that raven, still!
The one crossing the ravines of Yush*
and their golden, sun-burnt fields-
of wheat.
And the scalpel of its wings,
cropped out of the pastel-faced,
paper-made curtain- of the sky,
an arch-bridge, leaning to the side.
Then, the blunt edge of its dried gorge,
addressed the aged mountain beside.
And his words,
still echo in the rock-strong wits
of the bored mounts around-
ever since mystified.
***&***
And I still mystified, I wonder the event
what could a raven say to an old mount,
albeit stating so sober, sombre, so loud,
the mere end of touring the poplars-
That the worn-out, dazed-
pilgrims of all sunny mid-days,
chant it again and again, mystified.
Still, Always Mystified.
Translation: Maryam Dilmaghani, August 2012, Halifax.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Note:
A number of prepositions in Persian are just a Short Vowel at the end of the words, hence they are not written.
So while preposition like ‘of’ are counted as a word, the Persian equivalent is not written but pronounced (since no short vowel is written). Adjusting to this, the Persian word-count gets to more than 120 words of the English translation.
PS. Yush: It is a small town in Mazandaran province of Iran. See:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yush,_MazandaranPPS. Picture by Nicoletta Ceccoli:
http://www.nicolettaceccoli.com/-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
In Persian:
هنوز در فکر آن کلاغم
هنوز در فکرِ آن کلاغام در درههایِ يوش
با قيچییِ سياهاش
...بر زردییِ برشتهیِ گندمزار
با خِشخشی مضاعف
از آسمانِ کاغذییِ مات
قوسی بريد کج،
و رو به کوهِ نزديک
با غار غارِ خشکِ گلویاش
چيزی گفت
که کوهها
بیحوصله
در زِلِّ آفتاب
تا ديرگاهی آن را
با حيرت
در کلّههایِ سنگیشان
تکرارمیکردند.
***&***
گاهی سوآلمیکنم از خود که
يک کلاغ
با آن حضورِ قاطعِ بیتخفيف
وقتی
صلاتِ ظهر
با رنگِ سوگوارِ مُصِرّش
بر زردییِ برشتهیِ گندمزاری بالمیکشد
تا از فرازِ چند سپيدار بگذرد،
با آن خروش و خشم
چه دارد بگويد
با کوههایِ پير
کاين عابدانِ خستهیِ خوابآلود
در نيمروزِ تابستانی
تا ديرگاهی آن را با هم
تکرار کنند؟
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Google translates:
I think it's still in the valleys Klagham Yoosh
With scissors Syahash
Yellowing of wheat toast ...
More static double the
Matt Kaghzyy the sky
Arched go awry,
And the mountains near
The dried croaker Glvyash
What he said
The mountains
Pester
Staring at the sun
It's late
With astonishment
In Klhhay Sngyshan
Tkrarmykrdnd.
***& ***
Sometimes Svalmyknm of the
A Crow
With its strong presence Bytkhfyf
When
Salat pm
The color of mourning Msrsh
Yellowing of wheat toast Balmykshd
Ypes of multiple passes over,
With the surge of anger
What to say
The Old Mountains
Abed Universe tired sleepy
In the summer noon
Late it together
To repeat?
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Some additional Comments:
he original poem is not the most clear poem for Persian readers to "understand", yet it can "simulate a uniform emotion" in the readers. I did not try to make sure "the feeling” it is not lost-in-translation, I focused on the word-count. And I see it is less preserved than the level I usually reach.
Maybe it is possible to make such translation in 120 words but it will surely take much longer time than doing the same (letting the translation carry the feeling) without being constrained by the word count, using some additions and filling the blanks.
As I have said before I set my priority to have the translation preserve ability of the original poem in simulating the emotions and generate the same emotion, also to transport the same thoughts.
There are in contemporary Persian poetry, the poems that are like abstract song-lyrics, primarily about “simulating the emotion” through disparate images; but with Shamlou poems, it is usually not the case. His poems it is about both the emotion and also an expression of an intelligible thought for the readers to understand. The latter feature makes it hard to totally drop compensating for the subtleties (cultural or else) that indicate / imply the thought.
.
No hay comentarios:
Publicar un comentario